Cry

I know I’m still a girl and I don’t know when I’ll transition to a woman. I still look like a girl and hardly any guy looks at me as a woman. I’m not sure what to exude. It’s not just that, though. I try my hardest to never let anyone see me weak so I hide my tears, away from the public eye. Even though I may act cheery and happy, it could sometimes mean that I’m burning on the inside. But my crying isn’t due to the fact that I don’t see myself as a woman. It’s the failure to be understood. I doubt anyone can read my mood from my disposition. Anyway, I tried to add a celebrity to my facebook. Fat chance! I wish he would, though. Sad as it is, in some way, I think I could forget some of my problems if he would just have the courage to add me. Sounds crazy, but I feel that I can somehow get the opportunity to get to know them. Rarely are there ever circumstances which allow celebrities to be around the general public… unless they are people who work in the retail industry to cater to them (I was one of them). This is the mindless dribble spewed from a sleepy girl. Gnight. and Sweet bugs.

I may seem charming, but I’m actually an a..hole

This was just too funny to pass up…

I may seem charming, but I’m actually an asshole.
We’ll have a great time for a couple of months – then I’ll treat you like shit and break your heart.
Yes, you think I’m kidding and that’s really cute, you’ll want to believe that it will be different with you and you will be the one to change me…
The movies snuggled up naked on the big couch, the walks at night, the amazing sex… You’ll think you have me in the sack.
And that’s when it’s going to hit you.

Message me if you want, but don’t say I didn’t warn you…

This made me realize that all the guys I’ve fought with, this must be their mindset. Who am I to change them?

… about that…

My feelings complicate my life. I’m sick and tired of praying for other people. I’m growing envious of other people and their happiness. I’m beginning to hate every couple I encounter… I wonder if God is punishing me for something I’m not aware of. It’s emotionally painful to witness happiness when I feel so isolated. How dare you put your arms around her in front of me, jerk. Feeling inadequate and needing to prove that I don’t need him. Please don’t come near me… That was all I was thinking… I wish I knew how to act like I was ok, but instead… I scrounge my face in agony… wishing I could leave the situation. I want to forget the things you’ve mentioned to me. I want to forget that I was moved by the things you had said to me. What was said before was true, but events elapse that voided them completely. I wasn’t ready for these emotions that are taking over me… I swear I’m stronger than these emotions… but they’re taking over me… (from a song, “stronger than”). I don’t mean to cry because of you. I need silence and darkness to distract me. I need to meditate and wish… to forget you.

WANTED … loved the Movie

James McAvoy wasn’t all that bad either… gratuitous scene of half-naked body was essential. HAHA! “What the fuck have you done lately?”

the quiet

My thoughts sometimes get lost. At the same time, my reasoning and logic feels like it went along with my thoughts. Logic and thought lost simultaneously. I’ve got thoughts contained in my head that I’d rather not elaborate to the public about, but at the same time, I’m wishing I could be understood, somehow, somewhere out there. Despite withholding information from the public, I hope that someone out there would understand. Or maybe I just miss the simple ear to talk gibberish to and a voice to listen to… the company.

A concept to dwell on… but I assure you that your thoughts won’t lead you to enlightenment.

… There’s more money than people.

Some Kind of Gene Lottery.

While I was reading ‘People’ mag in the sauna, something dawned on me. 99% of the time, celebrities court other celebrities. I’ve heard way too many celebrities say they want to see people outside show business (Lee Dong Geon, for instance), but they never succeed in keeping their word. It just seems that it cannot be helped. It’s not like they’re provided with many opportunities to meet other people away from the actors, directors, producers, and other rich people in the business. It’s like they got lucky falling into that social circle. They are surrounded by good-looking people. Some may have talent, but they (well, most) know that they aren’t who they are unless the public are attracted to them. Seems like “intrigue” and “attraction” go hand-in-hand. The public wouldn’t be ‘attracted’ to them unless they had some ‘intrigue’ to be desired.

Nothing Noteworthy… Straight Babble

It’s almost 6 in the morning… and I’m scanning through photographs … thinking of what could have been. There were nice memories and there were moments of sheer embarassment, pain and anger. I’ve installed new shelving in the laundry room and managed to waste a lot of time walking around the house cleaning after people in the house… It’s relaxing to not have to think about schoolwork… SO I do laundry instead. Before that, I was reminiscing through my old stuff… As I was doing laundry though, it gave me time to contemplate about a lot of stuff. I love the feel of warm clothes… I can’t live without the fresh smell of laundry… and yes, I’m those types of girls who actually enjoy ironing handkerchiefs. I lightly starch mine… Anyway, that’s a little too personal… and I again digress. Through my meditation of folding laundry, I’ve come to realize how much I miss some people in my life. I’ve moved so many times, I find it remarkable that I can still keep in touch with a lot of people. I can’t believe they’d love me that much to put so much effort in keeping in touch. I’m never good at that department. I’ve always used moving as a way to start anew. I believe friends can be made everywhere and even though I will move away from my friends I’ve come to love, I know life will eventually lead us geographically far apart anyway. I know some will try to remain in their comfort zone and never live elsewhere than from the place I left them. I also wonder if that’s something that needs to be changed. I can’t imagine being stagnant like that. But then again, I’m not a firm believer in being so constant. There’ so much to do in life… I don’t know what I would do if I were to stay in one place for too long. But then maybe that’s my problem. I understand histories are shared the longer you are with someone, but I can’t seem to really believe in sticking with one person my whole life. Does that make me out to be a natural bigamist? Maybe it’s because I’ve never met him. I’m too smart to fall so easily for someone. But I do hurt. Scar tissue still remains on my heart, making my heart more inflexible and calloused like heavy armor to protect its innards. Maybe I’m too smart for my own good. Maybe I’m just too … tired. I get bored of my boyfriends so easily. and this has bugged me for years! It’s as if I’m incapable of growing infatuated over a person. Is it possible I’m not meant to find a partner? Maybe. Am I okay with it? I’m not sure. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I have great respect for the sacrament of marriage. On the other hand, I sort of want to find out what it would be like… and whether knowing what it would be like… that maybe I would miss that life if ever my love would leave me. I’m a true romantic at heart, but maybe… even with all my experiences… I haven’t come across love just yet… Maybe I’m still a virgin at love. I have no idea what it would be like to be head over heels in love with a person. All along, I may have just been going through the motions. Is it like what they depict in movies?! I think I’ve bored myself with this idle chatter.

Rufa Mae Quinto and Hayden Kho…

It’s such a disappointment for me to actually believe that MY Jon Avila could fall for Rufa Mae Quinto. Ok. So Jon Avila isn’t mine. One can only wish to encounter a handsome celebrity. My favorite encounter was with Ozawa Yukiyoshi at a Banana Republic. He was shopping for underwear with father and mother in tow. How admirable! Le sigh. If only I can find someone who is into his family like me, like Yukiyoshi! I digress… but the fact that Jon clearly had shown poor taste, I’m rather perturbed by it. One can only hope that there are still people in the world who go by their word. “Down to Earth”? My ass. “Sexy brain” Phht! Ok. I now believe most guys only go for dumb girls. I argue with chemistry majors, but I think that’s hot! I enjoy their company. However, I think it’s a turn-off for guys to involve themselves with a girl who is stimulated by engaging herself in arguments for the sake of exploring intellectual ideas (that was the worst sentence structure ever!). I withhold myself 50% of the time, just to see what they have to say. I’m passive that way. However, I can counter just as effectively… like a well-thought out R jab combo with a L hook. I miss having a geek to call my “love”. Well, I still have Brandon Vera to rely on. He has great taste for women. I love his wife. Now, she has substance. I love that he’s a goofball! Now, that’s a man. It’s just too bad he’s already taken. Donaire is not that bad either. I like his wife as well! Sometimes, I think to myself that… being virtuous isn’t rewarding at all. Sometimes, I feel that being good isn’t all that rewarding either, but I do it anyway. It’s painful. When I feel that there’s no point in helping others because it’s a thankless action, I feel guilty for being that selfish. It’s a vile cycle. It rather pains me to feel that my responsibility is an obligation when in entirety, it is a privilege. To serve God’s purpose should be an honor. Though I may have my own aspirations, I do not know if God is working with me or against what I want to do. If only I could have some reassurance that I’m doing something right… I’m not perfect, but at least I’m trying to be a good and pious person. I’m just not sure what these people such as Katrina, Rufa Mae, Vicky… and Hayden… think about when they are fooling around like that. What percent of the population are hedonists like them? Mistakes are very much intentional. They knew the repercussions, they chose to do so otherwise. Why can’t they just take responsibility for their shameful actions and call it a day? No one should come out of it the victim or the perpetrator. We’ve all seen your fault in moral character. Now move on and change for the better. Trying to do a public castration (of each other) in the entertainment business is just showing how childish the industry can get. And people profit from that drama… like those people from SNN… Kris and Boy… I can’t believe my mom watches them, but only because she’s waiting for the next program to come on. Now, get over it!

Sometimes a gloomy mood needs a little cheering up.

Well, I’m kind of strange, but not. I think the things I think about is normal, but normal people wouldn’t blurt out or admit to strange things that they do and I do have social tact, but that’s not it…what I’m getting at is… It is rather amusing to read the singles classifieds, don’t you think? Honestly, I don’t look in there for the purpose of searching anyone. I mean that. If you think otherwise, that’s fine with me. Well, what I’m going to state will probably reason why I don’t look into the classifieds for decent men. OK! Here’s the link:

http://www.gumtree.com/london/84/33776884.html

Ok, I don’t live in London, nor do I have any intentions on moving there, so why would I look in these classifieds for the purpose of finding “true love” (meant in sarcasm)? Point one. And another thing… If examples of these ads reveal a good proportion of men’s attitudes towards the opposite sex, why would I bother with ads such as these? I’m a very happy-go-lucky person and there are certain circumstances that hinders or well… kills my well being and I’d rather feel happy and I want to laugh… so here is just one good example of why you should stop looking into the comics section of the newspaper and start looking into the classifieds… because it is just straight out funny! And it just makes you smile. It’s quirky, but it’s reality. Everyone needs a good quirky reality once in a while, like a surreal moment that you can control. And by the end of the day, you decide how you should feel. And I decide to laugh and be happy. And you should too.

“Hey there!

Why am I here? Well sadly due to my long working hours, I’ve not had time to meet new people outside work, and I’m not interested in meeting my life partner in a club. To an extent, I’m old fashioned, and this knight, is searching for a princess.

ABOUT ME:
- tall, dark and handsome
- investment banker
- 27 years old
- 6ft2 tall
- medium build
- like to keep fit, go to the gym, play lots of sports
- enjoy going to theatres, shows, museums, eating out and travelling around the world.
- enjoy intellectual conversations about politics and current affairs
- friendly, caring, decent, fun guy
- born n bred in Scotland for 26 years (with Asian origin).
- Aye I have a Scottish accent, came to London last year and looking to explore the city more!
- I like to work hard and play even harder.

LOOKING FOR:
- a good-looking, decent lady
- an intellectual, very smart, preferrably a professional.
- 27 years old or younger
- you must be slim (preferrably size 8 )
- someone from London, please read carefully, I’m not interested in anyone outside London or overseas! So please don’t email me, it clogs up my inbox.
- someone with a good sense of humour and knows how to have fun
- someone who shares similar interests
- someone looking for a serious, long-term relationship, possibly leading to marriage.

I would be happy to hear from you! Please tell me a bit about yourself and include your pic! No pic, no response.

This is a genuine ad, no time wasters please.

Ciao and good luck with your search!

~ Dark Knight”

Image enclosed as well of the site:

Ahh, it’s so difficult to find “DECENT” and good men and they definitely aren’t found in the classifieds! CIAO. Tacky.